Movie#5 Hardware (1990) Directed by Richard Stanley

Nobody ever told me writing a blog consistently would be so hard. I guess I should have known, but I do promise to attempt writing more frequently. Somebody might end up reading this stuff.

'Hardware' is a story set in the incredibly-dated-post-apocalyptic-future about a guy who brings his would be found artist girlfriend a killer robot's head in an attempt to get laid. Killer cyborg wakes up and mayhem ensues. Many horror films seem to have the "something wakes up and mayhem ensues" plot. I, for one, think it's aces.

Fear

'Hardware' is sort of a sci-fi film in a William Gibson cyber-punk way but is really more of a horror film in an 'Alien' vein. There are some tense scenes with the killer robot and with a creepy peeping tom who watches the two main characters having sex. If I didn't find the fact that the cyborg's stalking takes place in a two bedroom apartment so ridiculous I might have rated the fear higher than the 5.5 I'm giving it.

Death

You betcha'. The M.A.R.K. 13 (the robot) loves to kill and really gives it his all. There are a couple of gruesome and bloody kills in this movie, but the body count isn't too high. Also, why do people always go for the least effective weapon when faced with a homicidal killing machine? Somebody dropped a pistol. I could pick it up, but I have a perfectly good baseball bat that I'm itching to use. That's just a great fucking idea. I give it a 5.

Sex

Yuck. I say that about this film because of the creepy pervert who lives next door. He is the kind of person that gives well mannered perverts (if I knew any *ahem*) a bad name. The single sex scene is ruined by his lecherous commentary. It gets a 3.5.

Fun

This is the part where I mention Iggy Pop is a d.j. who has some little gems sprinkled sparingly throughout the movie. I really wish he had more screen time. Or voice over time. There is also an appearance by Lemmy as a cabbie. Pretty awesome. 'Hardware' is cheesy fun but the pacing of this film could have been better. I give it a 4.5.

Quality

For such a low budget film, 'Hardware' manages to pull of some cool fx (for the time). The quasi-industrial soundtrack was neat too. A 4.5 for you.

Monsters

The M.A.R.K. 13 (Monstrous. Android. Really enjoys.Killing?) is bad ass. He has chain saw hands, poison tipped needles and drills. He can regenerate. His face is a skull. He likes to stalk you like a monster should. He might give Maniac Cop a run for his money. The problem is, he has a weakness. A really, really lame one. I won't tell you what it is but it knocks him down to a 5.5 on the monster scale.


Overall

Not a terrible film, and still worth watching if you like killer robots, rock and roll celebrities or dated movies about the not so distant future. I give 'Hardware' a 4.75 overall.